Tuesday, July 01, 2003

On those days, in those moments I am conscious of living on the far edge of my life, I do things realizing they may be my last opportunity. In these very close to desperate times, what I thought I was doing was completion. Finishing and getting it out there. But there were also things I was starting, things I am in the middle of; there were and are things I've held onto.

I suppose there still are things I will hold onto for awhile, a few ideas, for instance, like the concept I have for a new image for the arts. But I now realize that what I am doing is giving away. Holding on or holding back is itself a kind of death. Give it the chance of life, even if that means giving it away.

So I will give away more. I will send my ideas out there, freely, but also without fear or favor.

I will give what I have to give. Partly this is because I believe you make your best contribution by doing what you do best, especially if it is markedly different from what else is available. Partly it is like that conversation between the Woody Allen character and the space aliens in "Stardust Memories." Woody (playing a comedian who makes arty movies) asks them if he should devote his life to doing charitable works with the poor, or something like that. They tell him something like: You're not the type, you'd never last. If you want to help humanity, tell funnier jokes.

Maybe it's just that we give what we have to give, because we cannot give what we do not have.

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